Whitewashed Years
by burn to ashe
Summary: When Starfire died, the Titans lost their hearts. Can Raven bring Robin back from the edge before he falls? RaeRob.
1. Funeral for a Dream

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Comalies**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

**Prologue - Funeral for a Dream**

Raven had spent seventeen years suppressing emotions. Though she had failed on a few key occasions, as a whole she had become rather affective at the practice. Even she was having a hard time keeping her features stoic, and keeping her heart from racing.

She still couldn't walk in there, only to look into the face of the first titan to truly embrace death. Merely the emotions around her was enough to drive her to run, but dealing with her own was tenfold worse.

She steadied herself and looked down at her appropriately black clothes. Black. They all thought it was her favorite color. How could anyone love funeral colors.

How could anyone laugh at a funeral?

Feeling a little hysterical herself, she retreated farther from the actual _room_ and found a water cooler. She didn't feel any better holding a cool cup of water, though, but she found that distance helped a bit.

"Raven?" someone muttered. She barely recognized the hoarse, grief-raw voice of Beast Boy. The green skinned Titan approached her slowly and poured himself a cup of water, but left it untouched.

"How are you holding up?" It was a very un-Raven like comment, but it felt right to ask the younger boy. She felt sorry for him, just looking at him. He was young, and though he'd been through a lot, he still wore his emotions on his sleeve. He was very torn up, and she worried about him.

He was, after all, like her little brother. Her usually irritating, aggravating, snot-nosed little brother. But right now, he needed a big sister to lean on, and being a good friend, she complied.

He looked almost completely shocked when Raven slid an arm around his shoulders and gave him a small hug.

"I'm alright. Terra's a wreck. She finally locked herself in the bathroom after loosing it in there." He managed. She closed her eyes and nodded. Terra was another one they would have to watch. Just as young as Beast Boy, and still just as easily hurt.

She tried to push her own grief aside at this new thought: helping her remaining friends would give her something to work with, something to take her mind off of-

Things.

She looked down at him and gave his shoulders another squeeze. "I'll go check on Terra."

"No, let me." he cut in. She tried to protest, but realized that this was Beast Boy's way of coping; he would help Terra.

Was this 'helping someone' thing marrow deep with them, now, or just a reasonable way to cope?

"Alright." As he turned to find the restrooms, Raven called after him. "Where's Robin?"

The young changeling's shoulders shook.

"He's still in there." he muttered.

Raven nodded and turned back towards the viewing room. She couldn't… wouldn't… go in there. She carefully approached the door and peered in, avoiding the thousands of flowers, the large crowd of well-wishers and mourners, and of course- the dreaded coffin.

Stiffened, she finally spotted Robin, sitting in the row denoted for 'family and dear friends'. He was as stiff backed as her, and his masked eyes stared blankly ahead. He looked lifeless, numb.

It startled her. The fear of entering a room so consumed with death warred with her fear for Robin, and finally lost. She walked swiftly across the room, ignoring the coffin completely, and slid into the seat next to Robin.

"Hey." she murmured. For a long time, he didn't answer. She wondered if he heard her, or if he could hear at all. "Robin?"

"I should have been able to save her. I should have done more." he muttered in a robotic tone, completely empty of emotion, of feeling at all. She touched his arm gently.

"We all failed her. We did all we could, and we still failed her. Not just you, Robin. Cyborg and Beast Boy and Terra and me. We all failed her." she returned. He didn't look at her, but the slightest nod acknowledged that he accepted this. He allowed her to take some of the guilt from his shoulders, if only to apply it elsewhere.

That showed her exactly how drained he was, not to fight over this. She knew that a long road still lay before the Titans, especially Robin. It would be a long time before anyone was ready to be a Titan again, ready to fight evil and risk their lives. Not because they were afraid to die, but because none of them felt the worth of the fight right now.

They would all have their own demons to face.

"You haven't paid your respects." the Boy Wonder responded finally. Raven stiffened. What could she say to that?

Finally: "I was just about to go." she managed. She stood and glanced to her left. There, surrounded by thousands of flowers, in a cherry wood box, lay the still form of the Tamaranian princess.

"Starfire." Raven whispered, approaching slowly. They had dressed the girl in traditional Tamaranian burial clothes, and placed her communicator in her hand. Her once shining red hair had diminished. Her deeply tanned skin was pale; unreal.

Raven felt a tear run down her face, then two. Then she was crying, and couldn't stop. When a strong arm snaked around her shoulders and tucked her close to an even stronger chest, she tried to stop, but only managed to choke and start coughing.

"Come on, Rae." the gentle, brotherly voice spoke and Cyborg led her out of the room, back into the little waiting room she had been pacing earlier. He urged her to sit on the too pleasant little couch and got her a glass of water. Once the cup was in hand, he sat down next to her.

She sniffled, her free hand covering her eyes. 'Stop crying. You don't deserve to cry. Peace, serenity, tranquility…'

'That's what she said, trying to control your powers.' her mind spoke up. Faintly, she could hear something crash apart, and Cyborg rubbed her back slowly.

"Come on, Rae. You gotta calm down. One lamp is ok, but if you bring down this entire place, I think the funeral director will be a little angry."

He tried for a light tone, but he was a bad actor. She loved him for trying.

"Thank you." she managed, looking up at him. He looked about as badly as she felt, but a faint smirk finally crossed his face.

They buried her in a sunny part of the cemetery that afternoon. Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy were pallbearers, along with the chief of police, the mayor, and Starfire's younger brother, whom none of the Titans had known until recently.

They had honored her a fallen hero, a brave woman, and a strong leader of her people. She was Koriand'r, known as Starfire to the grateful people of Jump City, and she would be missed.

Sorely missed.

- - -

**AN - Well it was only a prologue, the actual story takes place throughout the next 20 or so years. **


	2. The Drifting

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Comalies**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

**Chapter One - The Drifting**

**1.1**

"You're sure." Raven spoke softly, the dim lighting of her room only making this conversation harder. She was grateful for the warmth of her cloak, pulled around her shoulders and draping over her slim figure as she sat cross legged on her bed. The person standing before her nodded.

"I don't think any of us are really here anymore, Rae. Too many memories. Ghosts, ya know?" Cyborg spoke, avoiding Raven's eyes. Her fidgeted, obviously stressed. It was understandable. None of the Titans here had the heart to go on fighting in this place. "I think Titans East is where I belong, now." He took Raven's hand and pulled her to her feet, embracing the lithe empath. "You guys are my best friends, my family, but we all have to move on sometime or another."

She looked up at him and forced a smile. "I'm glad you know where to go from here. I wish you well." He smiled half-heartedly. "Besides, this will allow you and Bee some more time together… to figure things out."

He was almost completely shocked at that. She was a little shocked at it herself; it wasn't her type of comment, generally. This, she supposed after pondering, was a special case.

"Yeah, I guess it will." he commented as if that hadn't been part of his reasoning to begin with. Silence reigned. "I dunno how to tell the others. BB and Tee are still like a coupla lost puppies."

"Their both young, but they've got each other. I think that alone will help them more than anything." Raven returned. "They'll move on eventually."

As they moved towards Raven's door, a thought struck her. "It's sorta like before."

Cyborg looked down at her. "What?"

"The Drifting that Starfire talked about. I guess she really was the glue." If anyone else had died, would they be leaving, one by one? If she had died, would they have reacted this way?

Cyborg offered no solace to her thoughts as he left her room to return to his own.

**1.2**

It hadn't gone well. Raven's head was pounding from the arguing, Beast Boy calling Cyborg, and by extension Raven, a coward, for running away. Terra trying hard to calm him down, but obviously just as upset as him.

Raven rubbed her temples. Robin hadn't even bothered to come out of his room for the meeting. Some wonderful leader.

The feelings in the Tower were more than sore, more than grieving. The Titans were falling apart completely.

As Raven walked down the long hall, intending on a hot shower and a long night's sleep, she felt herself pause outside of Robin's room. Stealing her thunder, the boy hadn't come out for days. His friends made sure that he ate, but he hadn't left the room. Not since he'd gotten back from the funeral.

She knocked hesitantly. No response. She looked long and hard at the keypad before keying in the mandatory override code. The swish of it opening blew her short hair askew, but she was more concerned with the darkened room with it's stale smell.

"Robin, where are you?" she called into the dark. No response. "Robin?" She edged into the darkened room and reached for the lightswitch. She was hesitant to flick it on, but did finally. She found him then, sitting precariously on his windowsill. His eyes were as lifeless as she remembered them from just a few days ago. Her stomach turned to see him sitting there, immediately assuming the worst, but then halted.

Robin liked heights. Sitting there had to be soothing for him.

She approached but stayed several feet away from him. "You didn't come out for the meeting."

A lame way to start a conversation.

He didn't answer for a long time. "It doesn't matter." was his final conclusion.

Her temper sparked. "I'm glad you think it doesn't matter, Robin, because the Titans are falling apart around us." He didn't react: he didn't so much as flinch. "Cyborg is leaving, and I wouldn't be surprised if Beast Boy and Terra are gone by morning, too. This is it. The Titans are gone." His passive attitude was making Anger and Rage very happy indeed. She forced them down. "This is my notice as well. I'm leaving."

He turned and looked numbly at her. "Ok."

Throroughly pissed off, she turned and left his room. Left him to his memories, and his stale existence. She didn't know that it would be several years before she saw him again.


	3. Pilgrimage

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Wicked Azar**

**formally Comalies**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

**Chapter Two - Pilgrimage**

**2.1**

Two lone figures stood on that sunny hill. They came every year, but never more frequently, to pay homage and memory to a fallen team member. They came, hoping to see a friendly face, but there was never even a sign someone else had been there. So they stayed for awhile, leaving a fresh bunch of fragrant flowers, before the left and returned home.

They didn't look much like they had three years ago, when the Titans had fallen. The girl's hair was still long, and still blonde, but her figure had filled out, and she was not as skinny as she once was. Now she was toned and strong. Her skin seemed to glow, and her eyes flashed a deep blue. She had a wicked friendly grin and a devil may care attitude. She still called herself Terra.

Her companion had changed much more than she had. He had grown to a towering six foot and filled out substantially. Broad shoulders, strong arms, and long legs made him a worthy opponent in human form. He was deadly in all others. His unruly green hair he know wore in a fashion that complimented him instead of making it look like he had just rolled out of bed. He was no longer a boy, and now called himself Changling.

Terra was downtrodden. She had been sure that this year someone would be here. She had been positive. Changling slipped an arm around her shoulders.

"Come on, doll, you didn't think they'd be here this year, did you?"

She shrugged. As the two walked away from that little memorial to a dear friend, she tried to remember the good times.

Her reverie was cut short when her communicator started beeping. She jumped, but Changeling reached his first.

"Changeling here." he clipped into it. He waited for a response, and then closed with. "We're on our way."

When he turned back to her, she had hidden back behind her usual cocky grin.

"Let's go, babe."

**2.2**

Raven was enjoying the afternoon breeze, letting the cool but not chilly air float over her as she sat beneath a towering tree with low, sweeping branches. She sat with a good book nestled in her lap, a collection of Shakespeare's comedies.

She was now a junior in college, majoring in English Lit. and enjoying the laid back life of a normal young woman. She'd fought away anger and resentment from the split, mostly, and still kept in contact with Cyborg sometimes.

After all, she did attend school in Steel City. It would have been rude to ignore him.

He and Bee co-led the Titans East here, and had tried so hard to get her to join up with them. But no. Her hero days were over. Too many memories.

Too many hard things to think about.

She had formed the original Teen Titans with Robin for the purpose of destroying Trigon. That completed, they should have disbanded. If they had, Starfire might still be-

She didn't allow herself to finish that thought and focused instead on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" in her lap. And of course, just as she was getting back into it, her cellphone rang.

She sighed and answered it.

"Rachel here." she commented.

"Raven? It's been a long time."

She tensed. "What do you want, Beast Boy?" She didn't mean to sound so angry, but maybe some of that old resentment hadn't faded yet.

"I'm sorry to call like this... but Terra's hurt bad. I need you to help her, Rae, please."

She closed her eyes, tempted to deny the shapeshifter. "I'll be back in Jump as soon as I can. Try and keep her stable."

Rachel Roth faintly resembled Raven. She'd intentionally changed her appearance as much as possible to protect herself from the media. She wore her long hair in a low ponytail, and clothes she had once vowed she'd never be caught dead in. Low riding jeans that fit like a second skin and baby tees were her usual ensemble.

And she missed the old days.

She hesitated and flipped open the cellphone, dialing up an old friend.

"Cyborg, I need a ride."

**2.3**

She felt very unsure of herself as a much changed version of the T-car approached the old Tower. It was only Beast Boy and Terra living there now, but they still called themselves Titans.

She snuggled down into the familiar fabric of her cloak. Cyborg had surprised her with it when he picked her up, saying she needed to wear so Rachel's identity wouldn't be blown.

He had a point. She still wanted to know how he'd gotten one. He refused to answer that.

When he parked the vehicle in the familiar garage, Raven stepped from the car and flew straight upwards, through the floors, until she reached the medical bay. She returned to a corporal form and apparently surprised Beast Boy, who jumped up snarling.

"Rae?" he spoke, a little shocked once she put her hood down and walked forward.

"I could ask you the same thing." she muttered, slipping into her old monotone ways. "You look good, Beast Boy." she commented, checking Terra's wounds. They were serious, but not life threatening. She set to work healing them immediately, closing her eyes.

Cyborg appeared in the room a few minutes later, having to take the longer way, and approached Raven.

"Be careful. You haven't done this in awhile. Don't overdo it." he muttered to her. That's when the old best friends' eyes met.

"Cy, you look... the same." Changeling commented with a faint grin.

"You don't, BB. You got tall."

He grinned. "Yeah, I outgrew Beast Boy. I call myself Changeling now."

The two exchanged an old handshake before Terra started to stir.

"Don't sit up too fast." Raven ordered. "Your stomach is still tender." Terra listened and let Changeling readjust her pillows so she could sit up and lean back against them. She looked around, shocked.

"Guys, it's good to see you." she said, trying to sound boisterous, but only pulling of mildly excited.

Raven hesitated before turning away. Cyborg took her place at the bedside while she crossed to the windows and looked out over the bay.

She dreampt of this view, of this place, when she was most homesick.

"Hey, Rae, we're gonna stay the night. That ok with you?" Cyborg spoke towards her. She nodded, and had a good feeling that she wasn't going to sleep well tonight.


	4. Sleepless Dreams

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Wicked Azar**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

**Chapter Three – Sleepless Dreams**

**3.1**

When she was most homesick, Raven "Rachel" Roth would often think that being back home, at the Tower, and sleeping in her dark room would make it all better. Long sleepless nights had been spent imagining she was laying in this very spot, her friends asleep just down the hall from her.

Well, this wasn't exactly like her sleepless dreams, but it was close. Except, she still couldn't sleep.

Cyborg was so happy to be back in the Tower that he'd spent most of the afternoon upgrading the systems. Changling and Terra, once the blonde had begun to move around, had prepared a feast worthy of their friends' returns, and though most of it had been tofu oriented, Raven couldn't complain too much.

It felt almost like the old days. If only there had been Pudding of Happiness or blaring rock music, compliments of Starfire and Robin, it would have been perfect.

She rolled over restlessly. She wasn't going to get anymore pudding, or hear any blaring music. Starfire was dead, and Robin?

No one knew where he was. He'd dropped off the face of the Earth.

Huffily, she sat up. They didn't need him! He was just-

Just…

Just their leader, and the one that had the only chance of making this team work again. Raven sighed and conceded that she and Cyborg would leave tomorrow for Steel City. Her superhero days were over. She was Rachel now. She had a normal life, like she'd always longed for.

But was it really what she wanted?

She sighed and laid back down, to toss and turn the rest of the night away.

**3.2**

The next morning, Raven woke to the overwhelming smell of bacon and waffles. She emerged into the kitchen and a plate of the above, plus eggs and a glass of orange juices, was thrust at her. She took it meekly, though she'd never been a heavy eater, and sat down at the table.

To her surprise, the tower was much unchanged. When Changeling and Terra joined them for breakfast, to the tunes of an argument over meat products, the four sat down and ate together.

"If you don't mind me asking, Changeling…" Cyborg began. "Why didn't you ever replace us?"

The young green man looked uncomfortable.

"That would have been like giving up. We always thought you guys would come back." Embarrassed, he stood and took his plate to the sink. Cyborg shifted in his seat, but didn't look amused.

"Well, actually… I think I want to come back."

Terra jumped up and grinned, hugging the mechanical man as Changeling whooped.

"Alright, man, awesome!"

"Glad to have you back, Cyborg!"

Raven stood and walked to the sink, ready to do the dishes. She was ignoring the three at the table when Changeling approached behind her and touched her shoulder.

"Can we convince you to come back, Raven?" he asked, softly. She was a little startled. The old Beast Boy never did anything softly. She looked at him, and he looked so hopeful.

"No. I have a normal life now. It's all I could ask for."

He looked hurt. All of them did. She dusted that thought out of her mind and left the kitchen.

**3.3**

He hadn't been Robin for almost four years, but when he woke up, that name pounding in his ears, Richard Grayson was panting and sweating.

He could still hear the woman's voice, calling his name in desperation. He'd been having these type of dreams since the death of his dear friend, Starfire.

Usually, she was falling, injured, and he couldn't catch her. Though she hadn't died that way, falling was an old issue for him.

This time, though… who had that been? The woman screaming his name, in her greatest fear… that hadn't been Koriand'r.

But who?

Running a hand through his long, dark hair, the man who was both Richard and Nightwing, slipped from the bed and stood in the cool bedchamber. His skin shimmered with sweat from his nightmare as his mind puzzled over the contents of the dream.

He finally cast it away, unsolved, as he dressed to join his mentor for breakfast.


	5. Goodnight and Good Luck

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Broken Azar**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

**Chapter Four – Goodnight and Good Luck**

**4.1**

"Rae?"

The slim, pale girl didn't bother to look up. She'd been standing on the beach for too long, with only the light of the gibbous moon to see by. She wasn't quite sure what she'd been looking for in the gentle lapping of the water as she gazed over the bay, but no answers had presented themselves.

"Raven?"

"My name is Rachel. Raven died with Starfire." She returned, feeling much like a petulant child and not quite sure she cared.

Changeling's voice was deeper and richer than it once had been, but it still held a level of uncertainty and concern – and caring.

"Rachel then. Thank you… for helping Terra. She would have died if you didn't."

Raven shook her head. "She would have survived. I just hurried the healing along." She touched her stomach gently, where it was still tender. She had never told the others that her healing powers merely took the pain of the wounds into herself. "No thanks are necessary."

Changeling sighed. "They are. Cause you're my friend, no matter who you are now."

Raven turned back to look at him. He dwarfed her with his height and the breath of his shoulders now. She could barely remember when he'd been smaller, but the ghost of that boy's face was visible in this man's.

"Yes, we are friends."

"Then why not let things be like they were? We could even find Robin and-"

"No." was her too quiet answer.

"But why not! Things could be right again!"

"They could never be how they were. We're not who we were then, Changeling." She returned, and he sighed. He said nothing more; he knew that she was right.

"Can we at least stay in touch? I don't want to lose my big sister again."

She smiled; it was sad, faint smile, but she smiled. "You won't." She stepped into a hug that left her thoroughly rumpled before she walked past him into the tower. She was restless; she wanted to go back to Steel City.

She took what few things she'd brought with her and left in the night on a bus headed for Steel City.

**4.2**

"I'm sorry, Miss Roth, but you cannot turn your paper in late." The professor's words shocked her. "And without it, you will not pass this class."

She was flabbergasted. "What do you mean, Professor? I had a family emergency!"

"Unfortunately, Miss Roth, you are listed with the school registry as having no living relatives."

That he had checked both irritated and flattered her.

"A friend of mine was gravely injured at work. They didn't think she was going to live!" She wasn't lying; perhaps spreading the truth a little thin.

"I don't make concessions for friends, Miss Roth. Now, if you'll excuse me."

With that the professor left the class, and Raven slid into a seat, face in her hands. How had this happened? How was she failing out of this semester!

She stood, and went back to her dorm with a heavy heart, thoroughly depressed.

She would have to leave school…but where would she go? She could go back to Jump City, and stay at the tower. No, she wasn't ready for that. She might never be ready for that.

Where then?

She looked up at a flyer she'd gotten in her mailbox that morning and read the information.

_Are you a writer? Gotham Publishing is looking for accomplished poets and authors for a new line of up and coming works! Apply in person on-_

She stopped reading and glanced sideways at a stack of notebooks she kept lying around. She was a writer. It was worth a shot, after all.

**4.3**

Raven stepped off of the bus into a dingy street opposite a run down old store. She shuddered and settled deeper into her gray jacket.

She started down the street with only a backpack on her back, feeling a little like a runaway- then again, hadn't she always been one?

She already disliked Gotham City, and she hadn't seem more than the bus station.

**4.4**

He would have sworn that he recognized the pale young woman who passed him, but it was only a flashing glance. After all, he'd been thinking about the old days, and what would the odds be that Raven was in Gotham, and passed him on the street.

Last he'd heard about her, she'd faded into the scenery in Steel City. No reason for her to be here.


	6. Death and Rebirth

**Whitewashed Years**

**By Broken Azar**

**Disclaimer - I no own, you no sue.**

**- - -**

"_It seems like everything is gray and there is no color to behold._

_They say it's over and I'm fine again."_

**Chapter Five – Death and Rebirth**

**5.1**

_She walked the long stone corridor, the hem of her white robes dusting the floor and her small hands full of a tray of food for her mentor. She paused at his door and did not announce herself; he would have sensed her approach. A few moments passed before she was admitted to his room. _

_She dutifully set the tray on his low table, avoiding the priest's eyes as was proper. _

"_Raven, be seated." _

_Surprised, she obeyed and took a kneeling position before his table. The kindly older man sat opposite her, a troubled expression on his face. _

"_Raven, don't ever let them convince you that you're evil or unworthy. You are worth a dozen of the priests here." She flushed; her dark destiny so quick to come to mind. _

"_But Sir, I will-"_

"_You will triumph, and you will fall. You will be caught before you fade, and you will deny." He paused. "You will find what you seek before you realize it is what you need more than air, but if you are not careful, you will lose it."_

_Those words would be with the girl for many years, but forgotten in her darkest days. _

**5.2**

Raven woke the next morning in her dingy little hotel room, the words from so long ago ringing in her ears. Why that incident had come to her mind now, she had no idea, but she rose with the dawn and groomed, pushing it from her mind. She didn't have time for prophecies and tales anymore; she had to figure out how to get enough money to survive in Gotham (if this is where she decided to stay).

She was out the door early that morning and headed down the street. She looked like your usual pretentious indie-fuck teen, with her oddly colored hair and eyes, her far too trendy clothing, and the hat perched on her head. She didn't care; it worked.

She stopped for an overpriced coffee and was ready to leave the coffeeshop when someone ran directly into her.

She scowled and moved around him, not aware he'd just stolen her wallet until she was several steps away. By then she spun around and yelled.

"Stop, thief!"

**5.3**

Richard heard the young woman scream and looked over the top of his newspaper at what was going on. He frequented this coffeeshop every morning, and it was unusual to hear any kind of commotion.

He hesitated when he saw the girl go after the thief herself.

Had her eyes turned white?

He was on his feet and running after them both before he had decided to help her. He was faster than the woman and overtook the thief quick enough to tackle him to the ground.

**5.4**

Raven was shocked to see that she had a hero on her hands, who had tackled the thief to the ground and was now wrestling with him. One good punch to face and the thief was out cold.

Raven scowled and took her wallet back from his jacket.

"Thanks." She growled to the 'hero', turning to look at him. "But I could have taken care of that myself."

When her hero looked up she was struck by the most amazing honey brown eyes. "I'm sure you could have, Raven, but not without causing a bigger scene than this."

She was stunned. How did this person know her real name, and hint so easily at her powers?

Unless…

"Robin?" she hissed. He stood, hand resting on her upper arm as two policemen appeared.

They explained the situation and she gave her statement before both were sent on their way.

They walked in silence. "So am I right?" she asked after a long silence.

The man shrugged. "Robin died." He snapped.

She turned to look at him with even eyes. "So did Raven."

They looked at each other then, and were at a loss before he offered his hand. "My name is Richard Grayson. It's nice to meet you…"

She accepted his hand solemnly. "Rachel Roth."


End file.
